Spiritual Awakening: On Water and Horses

There is so much pain. So much incredible pain. So many people talk about their spiritual awakening as such a beautiful discovery, opening a treasure chest, seeing the sun for the first time. Good for them. But for most of us, it's just pain at first.

Waves and waves of it. All of those tides that we have been shoring up with our headphones, our TVs and our books. All of them manage somehow to come at once, and in waves at the same time. The chest hurts so much. It's anxiety. It's shame. It's loneliness. It's... well, intense pain.

Who could possibly stand it?

I'll tell you who. We. Yes, you and I, we can do it. We will be able to do it when we accept in our hearts and minds that spiritual awakening is the daunting task it actually is.

People like us have a tendency to dismiss ourselves. "We are weak" we reason. "We have failed outrageously" we berate ourselves. We feel so much pain that the lure of our headphones and TVs and books become as strong as that of heroine for junkies.

What hope is there for us? Well, there is plenty, actually. Rivers of it. But we can't see it. We lie dying of thirst next to the freshest of streams because our self loathing doesn't allow us to see it.

And that is also why our friends and family don't understand our pain. That is why, loving us as much as they may, they can't help us. Because they see the stream. They see the river. They can't for their lives figure out why we are withering when the water is so well within our grasp.

Our family and friends don't fail to help us in spite of loving us. They fail because they do. They don't fail because they don't see us. Likewise, they can't understand our pain because they see us. They see our worth, our crystal clear worth. And they see how wonderful our lives could be. And all the possibilities that are open to us. And what a beautiful difference we can make in the world, if we choose to do it.

'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink'. This is not just a very annoying proverb, but it's also our first true error. The one part in all of this that is truly our fault. We need to admit that we are the proverbial horse and as so, we are refusing to drink right at the water's edge. Our friends and family may have led us to the water. Or maybe our therapist is the one who did that. Or it may even have been some no-bullshit self-help book has done that for us. If you believe in Him, maybe even God himself has led you to His streams. But we, WE, need to choose to drink from it.

But please don't despair. Don't let the finger pointing from the last paragraph add to your pain. For it comes with an opportunity for redemption. If you can admit it, and take ownership of this mistake. Of the mistake of allowing your self-hatred to stop you from seeing your intrinsic worth. From seeing the value of your life. Then, you can also finally have some grace and peace.

The redemption comes when you choose to pay no heed from the infernal voices in your head, the ones that tell you that you are worthless. It comes when you make the choice to believe in this simple truth:

All human beings have intrinsic value, and you are no exception.

This is the truth that will give us permission to love ourselves despite all our failures and inadequacies. This is the information that, once accepted as fact, will free us to see our own self-worth in spite of our darkness, of our past, and of our shortcomings. This is truth, and as such, it will set us free.

Furthermore, the decision to accept our self-worth, and its subsequent permission to love ourselves, comes with a bonus. When we can truly love ourselves even though we are painfully aware of our darkness, we suddenly become capable of truly loving our neighbors.

Remember, the commandment is "To love your neighbor as thyself". There must be a reason why it is phrased like that. Love thyself, even though sometimes you suck, then you can love thy neighbor, even when he is being a sucky son of a bitch.

Lastly, beware of false and shallow self-love. People like us smell bullshit from miles and miles away. We have been burnt before. And that is why the regular, run-of-the-mill self-love crap doesn't work for us. Any self-love that reasons itself as "because you are perfect just the way you are" or as "because everything you have done wrong in the past wasn't your fault, it was somebody else's" hits us as stinky lies. Even if you try to convince yourself of these falsehoods, you know, deep inside, that these are lies. That is why it doesn't last for us. That is why our pain doesn't go away.

But we can do it right this time. Not by dishonestly embracing our shortcomings as "perfection", or our many flaws as "what makes as special". No. Let us choose, every day, to recognize our intrinsic worth, even though we are far from perfect. Let's start treating the intrusive worthlessness thoughts as the heresy they are. And let us learn, one day at the time, to love ourselves even though we are aware of all the ways in which we fall short from grace.

So let us, the beautiful proverbial horses, finally choose for ourselves to take a sip.